Recently, I sat across from a very well-meaning woman; but as I listened to her counsel, something wasn’t right. There was a warning siren going off in my mind, and I knew if I followed her advice I would regret it.
We’ve all been there at some point in our lives because falsehood is often labeled as truth.
Dear sisters, sometimes we are fed information that, while seemingly good, is extremely damaging. These lies get passed from one Christ-follower to another because we are all trying to help each other. However, before we give or receive counsel, we need to compare those words of advice to what is written in the Bible.
In the name of being a “good Christian,” some of us have tried to live life according to the mislabeled lies, only to cry bitter tears of disillusionment when they don’t bring about the desired results.
There are many out there, but here are the three lies that have been the topic of many conversations over my years as a pastor’s wife, neighbor and friend.
A woman can, and should, porn-proof her marriage.
This nugget of misinformation was in a book I read for premarital counseling. The author told its female reader that all she needed to do was care for her appearance and regularly seek out the physical affections of her husband. My naive 22 year old mind soaked up the idea that if a woman worked hard at keeping herself attractive and available in the bedroom, her husband wouldn’t be tempted by pornography.
Imagine my shock when beautiful, attentive women confided in me how their husbands had more desire for images on a computer screen than for them!
The most heartbreaking result I saw from this lie? One of the women believed her husband’s addiction to porn was her fault; she felt she would never satisfy him because her body had changed after the birth of their first child. Borderline anorexic and feeling undesirable, this woman lost all sense of self-worth simply because she had been told she could porn-proof her marriage. This “failure” threatened to destroy her.
Thankfully, they got the help they needed, and learned the truth.
No spouse can control the heart, mind and actions of their mate.
Yes, a wife should take care of herself; but it’s never the woman’s fault if her husband allows his eyes to wander. If your husband struggles with lust, don’t blame yourself.
You are, however, responsible for yourself; so steer clear of media that makes you wish your husband was more like someone else. Romantic movies are scripted. Bulging muscles and a six pack are overrated (and don’t last over time). Prince Charming is a fictional character. Erotic novels are labeled fiction for a reason. Real life isn’t as glamorous as Hollywood portrays.
Anything leaving you with discontent in your heart concerning your spouse is a form of porn. Ladies, don’t allow yourself to forget that your hubby is the one who won your heart!
Being a good mother is the most important thing you can do.
It sounds good, doesn’t it? But don’t let those warm-fuzzies fool you.
I’m not going to diminish the wonderful gift of being a mother. But motherhood is not the most important part of who you are! In fact, it’s third on the list.
The absolute most important thing anyone can do is continually strive to know God. When you seek the heart of God, you are then equipped to love, teach, and guide your child better than you ever could without a vibrant relationship with the One who invented love and family.
The second most important thing you can do is love your husband. (Not all of us are married or have a safe/friendly relationship with the father of our children, if that describes you, keep reading because there are tips for you too.) Actively loving your spouse will bring joy, stability and security to your children. Those kiddos are watching you; learning from you what marriage and relationships are about. Their world will be less chaotic if mom and dad are united and the children don’t feel as if they need to choose one parent over the other.
If your marriage isn’t as healthy as you would like, get help! Your kids will be taught that marriage is worth investing in, and it’s better to seek help than to just ignore a relational problem.
For those of you in the dating world…step back and ask yourself if you would be happy if your teenager were making the same decisions you are. Now is the time to help your kids develop a Biblical view of dating as they see you live it out for them!
Your value hinges on your actions, beauty or success.
We are valuable because God says we are. Period. That’s the truth.
Don’t fall for the message of this world!
A prettier face, skinnier waste, a higher IQ or a promotion at work will never make you more valuable than you already are. Stop striving for love or approval! You can be beautiful without make-up. Attractive with extra “fluff.” Brilliant without a college education and successful without recognition. So embrace your God-given strengths and shine right where you are.
There’s nothing wrong with working hard to be the best version of you, however; just give lots of thought and prayer to figure out what God wants you to work on instead of what the people around you think.